Realizing how much I’ve grown up over the past few months, whether it be by choice or as a result of certain relationships with others. I’m scared for what comes next. I find security in solutions and plans, and honestly, I don’t know the solution or the plan for what comes next. I’m terrified.
I know my life is definitely not in order right now; definitely not on the right track at all times. Confusion often ensues. Bad moods are a common occurrence. In no way do I want them to be common, but it seems when I am left with free time, my mind automatically wanders to find the darkness within me.
That’s what worries me most: all the free time that I am about to have. Without having crap to preoccupy my mind, I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t need my life to be consumed by racing thoughts of confusion, of insecurity, of shame, of certain relationships within my life; I just want to be free of all this crap.
I know this sounds overdramatic and so petty compared to other problems out there in this broken world. I know I complain a lot, and I’m ready to fix that. I want so badly to break out of this ridiculous cycle.